fRUstRAteD

How is it possible to love someone with everything inside of you, be consumed with thoughts of them, have them love you with the same intensity......and not be together. How?

How is it possible when both of you have with all of your power tried to make it work, there's always something standing in the way. How?

Is life really so cruel?

Why can't it work?

I want it to work.

He wants it to work.

....So.....How come we aren't together?

sAdnESS

I couldn't even begin to tell you why I fell like this. I woke up this morning with a heavy stone in my heart. I can't explain why as I was driving my eyes teared up and why all I really felt like doing was driving until I could fall off the face of the earth. Nothing is going especially wrong in my life right now. Albeit, I have been feeling terribly lonely. My bones ache from the coldness. Other than that, I have been doing really well. I haven't lain awake at night in a long time. I haven't cried myself to sleep for months. I feel like everything was going in the right direction. So why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel so worthless? I feel like my life is spiralling out of control and there is nothing I can do, to ever feel like I'm in control. Is there something wrong with me?

I Don't want to speak to anyone. I don't have anything to say. SILENCE is my only answer. I hate this....I hate this.......I hate this. Nothing makes sense anymore, I doubt it ever will. I'm haunted by images found in a dreamless state. Where fairytales are nightmares in black and white and your doubts chase you.

I haven't allowed myself to think beyond the brink. I won't allow myself to. I'm trying really hard to concentrate to just exist in the moment.

ThERe's A sPECk in mY eYe

I've always considered myself a good judge of characters. I pride myself on being able to know when to recognize the bullshitters......the liars.......the infidels.......the sincere. But every once and a while, someone goes under the radar.....sometimes it builds up for weeks.....even months.......but without fail.....their true character comes out. After the initial shock (if it's tragic enough) I start to ask myself: how? How the hell were they able to fool me? Was I really that dense/infatuated that I chose to ignore whatever signals were there? Or were they really that good?

Maybe it's a little of both.

Either way, it makes for a really FUckED up situation.

mY WoRSt enEmY

I am my own worst enemy. I know this. Ultimately I am the only one standing between me and happiness (does it exist?). Maybe I don't want to be happy, happy people are boring. It's a scary thought.

DiSConNectED

My relationships with everyone around me has deteriorated to almost non-existent. I hardly talk to my best friend anymore. I can't be in the same room with my mother without constantly having to do battle with her and I don't know what to make of the situation with my brother. From here on out it has been a torrential battle to make sense of these conflicting feelings of wanting to belong and just wanting to stand apart. I really can't take it any longer. I want so bad to understand why I don't function like "normal" people. Must I always be fighting depression, anxiety, confusion.........will I ever be able to say that today I feel "fine" ?
Maybe it's not in the stars for me to be "happy".......someday I hope I find someone who understands what I am going through.....

Granted my life has never been easy.......it's never been simple. Most of my days are spent feeling consumed and confused, wondering if this is the day I have my emotional breakdown. But a few minutes ago I realized: the most interesting lives are those that are full of turmoil, pain-drama. Because what does a "normal" ordinary person really have to talk about, when it's all said and done: nothing. I've always felt like I've been misplaced. At this point of my life, I always thought that I would know exactly what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be. I'm started to realize though, nothing's ever so neat.
I guess, my greatest fear is that people will realize that I'm not special.......that I'm just an ordinary person.....*shudder*.......that maybe I won't leave my mark in this world. No one would have known casidy rose existed. As vain and superficial as it sounds though......it bothers me.

MeLAncHoLY tHOuGts

I really don't want to admit this: but John haunts me. Everytime I close my eyes, he's there staring back at me. This was what I was afraid of. I finally thought that I had wrestled all these demons and packed them away in the basement of my mind. It seems, now that I've seen him again, he's in the forefront of it. Where before, I could spend days without thinking about him, my mind can't spend more than an hour before some memory pops up, ah the cruelty! To make matters worse, he called me last night at one o'clock in the morning. It wasn't as if I was asleep. Lately I find myself wide awake doing artificial things that could probably wait until the weekend, but since I couldn't sleep anyway I try to be productive. I just really hate myself right now. I wish I wasn't so weak. Does anyone out there know how this feels? Give me an answer, I've already asked the question, but all I hear is silence *sigh*......
John and I got into a very deep and serious conversation. As a matter of fact it was the deepest and most serious conversation, we have ever gotten to throughout the whole course of our relationship or lack of. I had mentioned casually how surprising I was to hear from him. I don't know how it happened exactly but.......suddenly we were discussing our feelings for each other. The night I left him, I timidly whispered that I loved him. He had a look of disbelief as if I were speaking another language. He doubts me on so many levels. I don't understand why, when I've shown him, how much I care. I've never been one of those women who could cry at the drop of a hat or who could ever explicitly express herself. Instead everything I have ever wanted someone to know about me or my feelings I've shown. Sometimes I'v made the mistake of expecting people to know exactly what's going on inside my head, when I don't tell them. It's wrong, and I am making an extra effort to be more expressive, be more open with my life. But it's hard. When you've grown up only counting on yourself for everything that's hard. But I try not to use that as an excuse. Other people have had it worst, I'm sure of it. I'm thankful I came out functioning half way decent. What more can you ask for? I have to put in a lot more thought into this John situation. It will take some time, but the story will start to unfold. Maybe then you'll see why he has such a hold or me (or not).

SiGNs

If you seek the truth, you'll find it. So why when all the signs point in one direction, does she choose to ignore them? I can't believe that she actually chooses to believe in him! He's such a liar! Time and time again, the extenuating evidence points a guilty finger at him. But she doesn't want to believe that he could be the type of person who's full of lies and deceits. Who would blame her? No matter how mature a young girl think she is......nothing replaces time......nothing replaces experience. I never wanted to see her broken.......but it looks like it's no longer in my hands. Only a greater being can help her now.

LiTtLE TrEAsUres

It's like watching a train wreck about to happen. You want so badly to stop it, but all you can do is watch as the once beautiful magnificient powerful machine become mangled up and debris. As such is how I feel about my wonderful sweet naive friend Carly. She's such a beautiful individual- sensitive, sweet, and generous. Always bubbling with positive energy, she's never ever angry, never has a cross word to say about anyone. Though you know she's human, it's almost as if she dropped from heaven or some inter-galactic planet where the people haven't the foggiest idea how to be cruel or nasty. I thank the great gods she's in my life. Without her I probably would have been institutionalized a long time ago.
The only problem I have with her...... she's too naive, too innocent. She doesn't want to believe the worst in anyone and because of it, her friends and family tend to take advantage of her. I want to scream at her sometimes, because I know one day it will become too much and either she will withstand the pressure or break under it. I don't want to see that happen. I love her enthusiasm, it's so fresh so clean. I wouldn't want to see her become as jaded as I have. It would be the greatest tragedy. I don't know, if I could keep life from happening to her. If I could I would.

INterTWiNed FaTEs

We didn't meet in the best circumstances, considering we shared the same man. Me with my worn torn black dress and wild curly hair and her with her perfectly coiffed hair and designer shades and shoes. I watched her walk, talking on her cell phone smiling and carrying on. Was it him? Did he give her the obligatory mid-day call? Show that he cared? While what he really thought about her got tucked away three times a week in an apartment he kept across town, she didn't know about? Or maybe it was one of her friends catching up and finding out the next time they could all get together. Several people glanced at her as she passed them. She seemed to carry an air of confidence as naturally as her skin.
She was pretty. Not classically, but everything on her face was proportional to make people think she was. Funny though, she didn't look at all as I had imagined. I hadn't known what to expect, but it wasn't this. I felt like a voyeur. Here I was across the street staring at her, I knew her, but she didn't know me. For a moment I felt a sense of power. She probably would keep living her life as if she were the luckiest woman alive - a wonderful career, a great husband. But I knew the truth. Even if she didn't. She started to drift away from my line of vision. Was it merely a coincidence that I recognized her? Or was this a sign? The truth of the matter was I didn't care. If she was stupid enough to be blind, who was I to pop her proverbial bubble. Besides I liked the private joke between him and I.
"The signs are all around," he'd said. "I leave them everywhere."
"Why doesn't she see them?" I'd asked.
"She's afraid to be alone."
"I'm not." I'd said.
"That's why I love you," he'd respond and kiss me on my neck.
And I would laugh.

I clutched the little pendant, he had given me for my birthday and walked back to my office building. I saw the elevator about to close, so I hurried up to catch it. When I got inside, I made eye contact with HER! His wife. She didn't say anything. She didn't smile. We kept to our own corners. I wanted to say something anything to hear her speak. Maybe then I would have a clearer picture of her. The elevator stopped and she got off. My heart slowly left my throat and returned back to my chest. Maybe signs were only for the superstitious. But maybe our paths would cross again.......