CloSe to the edGe

Granted. I am strong. I carry mountains on the tip of my shoulders. The winds sway to my command. Yet. Whenever he speaks my heart falls to my feet. Why does he have this power over me? So unyielding as to bring me to my knees and beg for understanding. Instead he taunts me with his eyes. They hold me, hypnotize until I turn into a morsel to be devoured. I don't want to feel this way!

ReGRetS

I wish sometimes, I could blink myself shut. That way when things got too overwhelming, I could shut down for a few hours and not worry about it. Reality fades and dreams take over.

I wish I was strong. If I were, maybe I wouldn't have gone to see John the other day. I wouldn't have thought about the way things used to be and I wouldn't have gone so easily into his arms to re-fall in love with him. And I do. Love Him. Deeply.

Kissing his nicotine-stained lips, felt like getting under a warm blanket after being out in the cold. Safe.

That night I laid beside him and watched him sleep. I didn't know if after this night we would see each other again. I looked into his face and tried to commit it to memory. That way when I got lonely, all I would need to do is close my eyes and he'd appear.

I'm sitting here, trying to be like I was moments before when I had forgotten he existed. Cause now he's too real and he consumes my every thought.

The Past Re-created

My hand was shaking. Get a grip, Casidy I reprimanded myself. This was not a big deal. Finally I knocked on the door, anticipating whether, all the old feelings would come flooding back as if it hadn't been a year since I hadn't seen John. The door slowly crept open.
"Hey Casidy," John said pulling me from the hallway into his arms.
"Hi John," I said to him softly.
He kissed me on the cheek and took my hand to lead me into his room.
He sat down on the chair near the desk and motioned for me to sit on the bed.
"How has everything been with you?" He asked pulling out a cigarette and lighting it.
"I've been fine, I'm just really surprised to hear from you, what's it been? A year?" I asked, knowing the exact time, he walked out of my life.
"No, it hasn't been a year, a lot less." He replied tapping the cigarette in the ashtray.
"What's been going on with you?" I asked him. Why didn't you ever call me? I asked silently.
"Man, Casidy, I've been real busy with work, my life is hectic. I just got promoted to vice-president at my company and the hours have been killing me."
"I understand," I replied. But I didn't, not really.
John got up from the chair and sat next to me, he put his arm around me and drew me closer to him. "Dee, I've missed you a lot, there hasn't been a day I haven't thought about you," he said.
"That's news to me, you never bothered to call me during that entire time."
"I'm going to tell you something, Dee please don't take advantage of me." He looked away from me.
"What?" I demanded. "Just spit it out." I grabbed his face and brought it back.
"I love you Casidy," John said.
I looked at him stunned. A year ago, a moment like this would have bought tears to my eyes. So long had I wanted to hear those words from John. I used to dream where I would be, how I would look when he said those three words. Now, it wasn't so easy to say how I felt. After all it had been a year, I had moved on, established another relationship with someone I felt was very special.

So why was I here?

"John, I don't know what to say---"
"I don't want you to say anything," he interrupted. "I know in the past, I've said a lot of things and maybe my actions haven't backed up the words, but baby you mean the world to me. I need you in my life. Do you think you could give me a chance?"

I sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. "How dare you? I had finally put you to rest and all of a sudden, you call me and expect us to pick up where we left off? What gives you the fucking right? So many nights I laid awake, thinking of you and crying myself to sleep because I found myself in love with you. YOU! You, who never did a thing to deserve my love. But I loved you anyway." I got off the bed and walked to the door, I paused and turned to look at him and I said more softly. "A year ago, I dreamt you said those exact words to me, now it really doesn't matter." With that said I turned and left him on the bed with a stunned look on his face.

Cold Realization

I'm drowning in a cold divine. You.Sit.There. I wonder sometimes, whether maybe it's just me. I am at fault for allowing myself to be dissected for the world to examine. I wonder what they look at? The deflated lung to the right, the cracked rib, or... the big gaping hole where my heart used to be? It's two o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep, the walls in my bedroom seem to drown me in silence and it's deafening.

Casidy, you're a strong woman, I keep reminding myself over and over again. But am I? Because all I feel right now is broken and empty. I feel like something has been taken away from me and all I want is to get it back, but I know it's impossible, because it's gone forever. I know in my head I made the right decision and given the chance I would make the same decision, my heart feels differently though.

So I choose today, what I couldn't yesterday. I choose to be free. I choose to be still and allow myself to be immersed in the goodness of the universe...even though I haven't always felt that there was any goodness...even though I've been touched by the edge of evilness...I choose to believe in myself and in my worth...I just hope I can say that tomorrow.