MeLAncHoLY tHOuGts

I really don't want to admit this: but John haunts me. Everytime I close my eyes, he's there staring back at me. This was what I was afraid of. I finally thought that I had wrestled all these demons and packed them away in the basement of my mind. It seems, now that I've seen him again, he's in the forefront of it. Where before, I could spend days without thinking about him, my mind can't spend more than an hour before some memory pops up, ah the cruelty! To make matters worse, he called me last night at one o'clock in the morning. It wasn't as if I was asleep. Lately I find myself wide awake doing artificial things that could probably wait until the weekend, but since I couldn't sleep anyway I try to be productive. I just really hate myself right now. I wish I wasn't so weak. Does anyone out there know how this feels? Give me an answer, I've already asked the question, but all I hear is silence *sigh*......
John and I got into a very deep and serious conversation. As a matter of fact it was the deepest and most serious conversation, we have ever gotten to throughout the whole course of our relationship or lack of. I had mentioned casually how surprising I was to hear from him. I don't know how it happened exactly but.......suddenly we were discussing our feelings for each other. The night I left him, I timidly whispered that I loved him. He had a look of disbelief as if I were speaking another language. He doubts me on so many levels. I don't understand why, when I've shown him, how much I care. I've never been one of those women who could cry at the drop of a hat or who could ever explicitly express herself. Instead everything I have ever wanted someone to know about me or my feelings I've shown. Sometimes I'v made the mistake of expecting people to know exactly what's going on inside my head, when I don't tell them. It's wrong, and I am making an extra effort to be more expressive, be more open with my life. But it's hard. When you've grown up only counting on yourself for everything that's hard. But I try not to use that as an excuse. Other people have had it worst, I'm sure of it. I'm thankful I came out functioning half way decent. What more can you ask for? I have to put in a lot more thought into this John situation. It will take some time, but the story will start to unfold. Maybe then you'll see why he has such a hold or me (or not).