CONcenTrATe!

I couldn't begin to tell you why as I sat on the edge of the chair at that crowded nightclub, an overwhelming sense of sadness and longing came over me. I couldn't see anyone or anything in front of me, all I could think about was . . . JOHN and how much I missed him and how I wish he was next to me. Then suddenly memories started pouring into my head. The first time we kissed, invaded my senses and suddenly I was transplanted to another time ... another place and I could see him leaning toward me and feeling his lips pressed against mine. It seemed like time stood still. There was no regard of time or place. . . just him. Just this overwhelming feeling of hunger. And the more we kissed, the more hungry I became.

Later that night, we went to the beach to look at the stars and talk. He talked about growing up poor, about missing his mom and I got to see how sensitive he was, how articulate. He wore the moon on his face and he never looked so beautiful. And I can remember being mesmerized by his lips, wanting to feel them on mine once again. So I leaned in and kissed him. He was surprised. I had never been so bold before, it felt right. We kissed until the sun rose and we were drowning in light. When we walked back to the car I was very silent. I didn't know what to think, what to do. I had never felt this way before, could I possibly have fallen in love with him? In twenty-four hours?! Was that even possible? I didn't want to think about it anymore, I didn't want to set myself up for disappoint, after all he was only here for three more days. We went back to his room and fell into each other's arms and went to sleep.

I sighed. Why now? I had been so good. I hadn't thought about him in weeks. I hadn't called him even longer. Then suddenly he pops into my head. I didn't get it. Maybe I never would.

TrUE

How can someone claim to be so insightful into other people's lives, yet be so clueless when it comes to his own? Does that make sense? If you say you are a good judge of character and that you can read everyone you come in contact with . . . what explains the self-deception when it comes to the ONE person, you haven't judged right? I wonder sometimes at this . . . are they so smug to think that they have it all figured out when in fact they haven't a CLUE? Or maybe, just maybe they never really knew what the hell they were talking about. They are just self-delusional creatures.

I frankly don't believe in that shit. If you are going to be perceptive. Then start with your own life, because it's one thing to tell people what you believe and spit out all this wonderful advice and quite another when your ass is struggling and having mental break-downs because your life is going through the wringer. That shit isn't kosha.

Sometimes the problem is, people don't want to be responsible for their own actions. They don't want to turn that all invasive critical eye on their own life. They are afraid of what they will find. 'Cause if they find something they don't like, then they have a reponsibility to change. It's so easy to look in the window of a house and see what's going on, but have them go inside the house and it's a whole other story.

What is TRUTH? What is reality? Well as a wise man, once told me a while ago, truth is relative. . . but not to itself. So what exactly does that mean? It basically means this. Truth can be whatever you want it to be. Your background, your environment, your outlook all determines what you feel the truth is. Because you are an individual with a unique thought process, with a unique perception of reality, truth to you is going to be completely different than truth to someone else. So what am I ultimately trying to say folks? TRUTH is more elusive than life even. And life can be a very elusive thing at that.

Now that doesn't mean that truth doesn't exist, it just means that it's harder to come by. Some people can't face the truth, it would mean the end of everything they've known and frankly I don't think they could handle it. And to me that would be the saddest thing. Not being able to face it. *SiGh*

PERspectIVes

It's amazing to me sometimes. The way something can be right in front of you and you don't even see it. I just don't understand it. I mean, I love him so much, I consider him a brother but sometimes I don't think he really thinks things through. How can he not see something as plain as day. I guess sometimes the answer is distance. Distance away from the familiar so that you can look at things in a very cold and calculating way.

I guess some people aren't cut out for it, right? I hate to be the one to burst his bubble. I hate the fact that I know what I'm talking about it and without fail I am always right, but no one ever wants to believe me. . . Not until it's too late and the damage is already done. I'll never be the one to say 'I told you so,' it just isn't me. Instead I'll be there to pick up the pieces and lend a helping hand. That's all I can do.

tHe BEgiNNinG

It wasn't as if I set out to meet someone that fateful night. I had been in a good mood, taken a nice hot bath and watched one of the most touching movies, I'd seen in a long time. It had been a while since me and the girls had gotten together to spend some quality time. I was excited, I was ready to have some fun. I knew that we were going to a club I had never been to before, never the less I had heard good reviews about it from my colleuges and some of my friends who had been there before.

At seven thirty sharp, Dana was outside my door. I quickly glanced at myself in the mirror and went out the door.

The club was nice, dark and spacious. I already saw a couple of people I knew from other places I frequented. The music was mellow and I was already starting to feel like I was getting to my "zone." I was relaxed and was starting to feel social. I was sitting next to Halim, a very creative musician and song writer. I hadn't seen him in months and we were discussing the going ons of the whole scene. He had a new song he was working on and he invited me to come and hear it sometime. He excused himself and I was sitting at the table by myself, listening to the band and then feeling the groove.

"Excuse me" he said.
I looked up to see the most beautiful man standing before me.
"Hi," I responded.
"Is this seat taken?" he asked.
"No, help yourself" I said.
He sat down and I couldn't help but look at him, but only for a split second. I noticed he had a stack of CDs in his hands and curiosity got the best of me.
"Are you a musician?" I asked.
He noticed I was staring at the CDs. "No, I'm not. Actually I'm a marketing director for an independent record label."
"Oh really? That's very interesting." I said.
He moved and sat next to me.
" Yeah I love what I do."
"That's good. Where are you from?"
"I'm from New York, how did you know?"
"You don't look like a local and you definitely don't sound like one."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"No, not at all, it's a good thing actually."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because you're fresh meat and I get to enjoy your reactions to things that go along around here. "
He laughed. It was music to my ears. For the next hour or so, the world felt like it was made just for us. I didn't notice anything around me, except him, his smile, his eyes, his scent. It was intoxicating, HE was intoxicating and for the life of me we had never even gotten to the first name stage. Believe it or not I was in love and didn't even know it.