I miss being in love sometimes. The way your heart beats when you think about the person you love. The pleasure you get when you hear their voice. The feeling of hope they seem to inspire in you. It's been more than a year since I felt like that and I wonder if I'll feel that way again. Believe a man when he says I'm beautiful or that he loves me. There aren't too many things I believe in anymore. I've been disappointed to often to believe in anyone other than myself.

I've been thinking about John a lot lately. I think it's because I'm really lonely right now. But I find myself re-living memories of our times together and I wonder where he is and what he's doing. I'm sure he's doing very well. I'm not going to hear from him again. I think I've put that relationship behind me. I just wonder sometimes, if maybe I should have moved to Chicago to be with him. Could I? Maybe if I did it would be easy to forget about him or maybe we would still be together. I don't know, it just bothers me so much that we don't have any closure. We are stuck in limbo. So much for all the things he said on how things changed. I know I'll get past this melancholy mood, I'm just feeling like this because of everything going on right now.

ThE ULTimAte FeAr

I wonder sometimes why my inability to express my feelings paralyzes me so. Could it be I'm not capable of it? Or am I just afraid of the reaction I'll recieve a fter I've spilled whatever is inside of me? I think I don't believe anyone genuinely cares about what goes on inside my head and I don't believe my voice is relevant enough to be heard. I'd like to think of myself as a strong person but deep down inside I don't believe I am. Everything's all twisted and I can't unravel the pieces. Is it even worth it? I feel inadequate I don't feel like I have anything to offer someone and yeah I get a lot of attention and yeah I know men find me attractive, but what kind of consolation prize is that when I feel so unloved. Like I'm incapable of being loved.

PaRT DEuX

Something very interesting happened today with Nicolas. I wanted to take a picture of him with my camera and he told me he didn't take pictures. They were memories he didn't want to remember. I knew he was lying. He didn't want me to have a picture of him, it would be evidence of our "relationship" together. I sat on the corner of the bed feeling so small. How was it possible to let someone, who isn't important affect me? I pretended to be absorbed on what was on the television as he rambled on. There was nothing he could say that would make me feel better. It was the funniest thing. . . well not really so much funny as it was sad that in those few words spoken tonight, I knew exactly where I stood. And as I walked down the hallway to the elevator, I made a decision, I erased his number from my phone. As simple as that. It's not worth feeling like this. It's time for me to start taking care of myself again. I think I'm just meant to be alone.

NIcOlAs

Every time I leave his place, I always feel the same . . . empty. Each time I sleep with him, I feel like a piece of me is being chipped away. I don't recognize who I am anymore. There are times I long to cry but the tears won't come. I want to know what goes on inside his head where I am concerned. I want to know if all he sees me as is just an easy lay. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved, or taken seriously or cherished. I HATE feeling this way. So insecure. So tragic. I feel so worthless right now. So hard to even admit someone has got me feeling this way. I promised myself since John, I wouldn't let anyone make me feel this way, but here it is a new day, no John and I feel it. I've broken my promise.
I'm an emotional cripple paralyzed with fear what others will think of my feelings. I'll always be alone because I can't express myself like a normal human being. And it's my fault that the pain consumes me and eats away at me. And I already that I'm submerging myself into that deep place where I'm not allowing him to touch me. Why do I feel so incomplete? And why am I always stuck in these situations? I'll be alone forever.