bLaME

Why can't John & I be together? I've written this entry a dozen times in my head. It always seemed so much more eloquent and deep. But really staring at the screen and trying to figure it all out has left me . . . empty. Do I really want to even think about why it didn't work out if I have given up on it? I've wanted closure from this. A chance to say good bye and move on with my life, but as always he haunts me. Who's to blame for the destruction of our relationship? Who's to really say? It was my fault, for feeling too much, for caring so deeply and allowing him to affect me in such a way that I felt dependent on him for my happiness. It's my fault for continuing on with it when I knew it was over. I've known it for a long time. And I'm to blame for always letting him back in when rationally I knew it was a bad idea. I wasn't the most expressive person and I know, he couldn't have read my mind of all the jumbled thoughts I had. But at least I can say that I tried to make it work, I really did. I don't blame him for being the person that he is. I just wish he had tried a little harder to make it work. I don't think he loved me. And that's what hurts the most. Because if he had loved me, he would have cleared some space in his life to let me in. What more is there to say?