So, I haven't been on a date in months, partly because I don't have the time and I haven't wanted to and partly because I haven't found anyone I've met recently interesting enough to grace my presence with. It's a little frustrating sometimes and it can get kind of lonely. But like I said, I don't really have the time to think about it so much because I've been so busy lately working. But I don't know, I wonder if there is a love out there for me. And I don't mean all the bullshit that I've been through with John or Alex. I'm talking about an all consuming love full of passion and excitement. The kind of love that makes your toes curl, the kind of love you read about or you see two people have that you cannot even describe, because it's so explosive. That's the kind of love I want, and I don't think I'm willing to settle for anything less than that. I've seen it happen.
It's so hard sometimes to put into words, the emotions that I feel. Most of the time it feels like it's three or four different things that are jumbled up all together. I think I handle myself okay, most times, but when people ask me how I feel, they might as well ask me in another language because I can't for the life of me articulate all the things bubbling beneath the surface of my skin. I just have a hard time doing it.
John called me the other day. Said he was thinking about me and just decided to pick up the phone and call me. I think he has a sense of when I'm feeling happy and doing okay and when I'm not thinking about him. That's when he decides to call me. He wants to see if he can fuck me up. Drag me in an emotional tailspin and get me to become a bubbling fool. But you know what, I'm tired of dealing with his shit. I'm sure he' s sitting around in his apartment in Chicago not giving a shit what's really going on in my life. I don't know if he sees me as a crutch or he thinks that he can disrupt my life anytime he wants to. I know it's been mainly my fault for allowing him back into my life for too many times, anytime he has wanted to come back in. But I can't do that anymore, if for nothing else but for my sanity. I don't want to deal with it anymore, I'm tired, I'm just so tired of the games. I'm tired of crying at night, losing sleep over the bastard and I'm tired of not being in control of my life.
He wanted to know why I hadn't called him. He wanted to know if I still loved him. Well, I hadn't called him because I knew he wouldn't return my calls and after a while I stopped calling because I knew that I couldn't put myself through whatever the hell this was. As for the other question, I still don't have an answer to. I don't know. There are times when I feel it. The love I know I felt for him. But then I think about it and I don't feel anything. I don't know if it's there, maybe his uncertainty and callousless took it out of me. I'll never know. But it has definitely convinced me that LOVE, Real consuming LoVe does not feel like this and it's not like this. So who am I kidding? I could never be with JOhn, not in a million years. So maybe I do have the answer.
