Long Time Coming

I haven't written in a long time. Maybe I haven't had anything to say. Maybe I didn't think my voice was strong enough and I didn't deserve to be heard. So many things have been happening in my life, I wouldn't know where to begin. Or even if I could begin. And the stories I have to tell will take a long time to tell. But I guess it needs to be done. If for nothing else but for my sanity.

My life is not my own. I've been feeling like this now for a long time. I feel like my soul has been depleted and I have nothing else inside of me and the voices in my head keep questioning, but I don't have any answers. . . I don't think I ever did. So I stay in the corner of my room balled up hoping and praying that one day, my life will make sense. And I'm not living these moments in perpetual fear that my life is useless.

I'm suicidal most days. I want to kill my thoughts before they have a chance to be born. In most cases I'm successful and other times, other times I just want to forget. One day it will be different, one day I will want to live and I will give birth to all of my ideas. I will be the ultimate mother, the one who nurtures her children to be great in the world. And everyone will know me. But the stories will get told. They have to, for my salvation.